I've been writing much stories like this. With many version, sometimes its get lost to my insecurities, my broken hearted, my boy or maybe just losing poem. With losing words. I hope its the best version of my story. So here we are.
I've been quarantined for one weeks on my own home, yea it feels good. Seeing your momma gettin weird, another version of your daddy, and seeing your brother growing ups. Its beautiful yet so depressing. Cause i never cant see it everyday.
One thing i realised, i miss those town. With that sparkle building, traffic jam, and all the people that always in hurry. Yes, jakarta. I'm suprised that i will missing the city, the most hated place in the world, someone say it is on #3 in the world. I agree with that.
2018.
I've been get lost for a few weeks. I mean, not gettin lost in the other city or gettin lost in social media. No I'm not. I lost my self. Maybe from june to november, or july to december. I dont really remember, and i dont wanna be remind of that.
In conclusion, on my graduation on October, i've been making a big dark vibes. I dont have anyone. Yea at least, one of my bestfriend is coming and i havent met her cause of that bad fckin signal. It so sad.
On the last June to October,
Suicidal thought(not only thought) happen almost errrday, and my ex bf was saying that im going crazy. Ugh
My bestfriend leave me without saying anything and i dont know what was my fault.
Seeing my favorite choir club gettin together, and suddenly they just forget. Yea, forget me.
I dont know it was the worst time of my life, till i realised everything that left behind. I see a dried blood on my diary and thinking "i know what it is but i dont even remember what happen was", I see a box of earl grey tea that gettin expired, and i remember "I dont wanna drink that kind of earl grey tea again." So, i become that coffee person. I'm cycling around my home in the night like i was do everyday to heal myself, then i realised "I hate those playlist". Everything change. Only in 2 years.
I mean, "everything" that change is only the weather, a night that getting dark because we lost the light, a melody we forgot from that 'city of stars' song, a blog that lost her writer. Hehe im sorry. After two years, i realised i only lost the vibes, not the feelings. I dont know it called a post-traumatic depression, a tears that never stop, or a words that never said.
I try to heal myself and try many things. I started find a help, i start to travelling around from city to city, all by myself. Start cycling around a street we should be there. I start livin a new life. I try. I try to walk away. I try to forget.
2019.
It was a blessing.
Some things are change, step by step, day by day.
I got a bestfriend, that i hope she never leave me.
I found a boy that treat me like a princess and shit at the same time.
I found a girl that bring my life into sparkling city called Jakarta.
I found a boy that older than me but we can talk until 3 am everyday on September.
Suddenly, my life change.
This little girl that only bring one playlist to Jakarta on her way go, bring back thousand playlist with the genre that she never expected. This little girl that really love earl grey tea, start lovin whiskey. She She always think "my ex will be dissapointed" and start boom a call and text. And unsent them all on 8 am in Sunday morning. This little girl that always talk much and criticize many things start shut up on the office. She realised she never be heard, now she try understand what life is. What growing up means.
2020.
She dont wanna lose herself again. She dont wanna heal by attempt suicide, or gettin drunk while she know her boyfriend is slept with another girl, or shut down her instagram just to shut up someone's mouth.
Everyday gettin harder and darker. Loneliness is real and I can even run from it. Maybe there's a time that i can met a people that hurt me much. All of them, with a smile on my face, not that fake one, a real smile that i wanna thanked them all.
Well, im sorry for changing. Until now, im not done with changing. Let me finish it, and bring my new version of me to you. And you can judge all of my story, and start decide you should loving me or not. Cause i still do love you.
Sincerely,
Kariza Rai
I've been quarantined for one weeks on my own home, yea it feels good. Seeing your momma gettin weird, another version of your daddy, and seeing your brother growing ups. Its beautiful yet so depressing. Cause i never cant see it everyday.
One thing i realised, i miss those town. With that sparkle building, traffic jam, and all the people that always in hurry. Yes, jakarta. I'm suprised that i will missing the city, the most hated place in the world, someone say it is on #3 in the world. I agree with that.
2018.
I've been get lost for a few weeks. I mean, not gettin lost in the other city or gettin lost in social media. No I'm not. I lost my self. Maybe from june to november, or july to december. I dont really remember, and i dont wanna be remind of that.
In conclusion, on my graduation on October, i've been making a big dark vibes. I dont have anyone. Yea at least, one of my bestfriend is coming and i havent met her cause of that bad fckin signal. It so sad.
On the last June to October,
Suicidal thought(not only thought) happen almost errrday, and my ex bf was saying that im going crazy. Ugh
My bestfriend leave me without saying anything and i dont know what was my fault.
Seeing my favorite choir club gettin together, and suddenly they just forget. Yea, forget me.
I dont know it was the worst time of my life, till i realised everything that left behind. I see a dried blood on my diary and thinking "i know what it is but i dont even remember what happen was", I see a box of earl grey tea that gettin expired, and i remember "I dont wanna drink that kind of earl grey tea again." So, i become that coffee person. I'm cycling around my home in the night like i was do everyday to heal myself, then i realised "I hate those playlist". Everything change. Only in 2 years.
I mean, "everything" that change is only the weather, a night that getting dark because we lost the light, a melody we forgot from that 'city of stars' song, a blog that lost her writer. Hehe im sorry. After two years, i realised i only lost the vibes, not the feelings. I dont know it called a post-traumatic depression, a tears that never stop, or a words that never said.
I try to heal myself and try many things. I started find a help, i start to travelling around from city to city, all by myself. Start cycling around a street we should be there. I start livin a new life. I try. I try to walk away. I try to forget.
2019.
It was a blessing.
Some things are change, step by step, day by day.
I got a bestfriend, that i hope she never leave me.
I found a boy that treat me like a princess and shit at the same time.
I found a girl that bring my life into sparkling city called Jakarta.
I found a boy that older than me but we can talk until 3 am everyday on September.
Suddenly, my life change.
This little girl that only bring one playlist to Jakarta on her way go, bring back thousand playlist with the genre that she never expected. This little girl that really love earl grey tea, start lovin whiskey. She She always think "my ex will be dissapointed" and start boom a call and text. And unsent them all on 8 am in Sunday morning. This little girl that always talk much and criticize many things start shut up on the office. She realised she never be heard, now she try understand what life is. What growing up means.
2020.
She dont wanna lose herself again. She dont wanna heal by attempt suicide, or gettin drunk while she know her boyfriend is slept with another girl, or shut down her instagram just to shut up someone's mouth.
Everyday gettin harder and darker. Loneliness is real and I can even run from it. Maybe there's a time that i can met a people that hurt me much. All of them, with a smile on my face, not that fake one, a real smile that i wanna thanked them all.
Well, im sorry for changing. Until now, im not done with changing. Let me finish it, and bring my new version of me to you. And you can judge all of my story, and start decide you should loving me or not. Cause i still do love you.
Sincerely,
Kariza Rai
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